Nature vs. Nurture

I just realized like 5 minutes ago how much I am like my mom.

It's horrifying, amusing and a slap in the face.

It wasn't like anything bad that she did, but she was doing this thing telling me what to eat tomorrow for lunch while waving her arms around like a small cute maniac. Yeah. Sound familiar? Yeah.

Seriously, I was like OMG when I saw that.

Add to that, I'm a pretty big gossip now that I think about it.

I'm not sure if I like the idea of me being a gossip.

Is it genetics? Maybe, doubt it. I mean I grew up seeing my mom as my most favourite person in the entire world, I probably did the whole "monkey see, monkey do" thing. Still, it was a disturbing realization that makes a lot of sense.

I mean I still remember when I was a kid and I was just as narrow minded as my mom. I suppose in some ways I'm still trying to shed a lot of those beliefs and values that I learned from her. I like to think I've come into myself more as a person than when I was a small child doing everything my parents told me to.

But well, habits and learned behaviour like that is hard to just leave behind.

Like for example, I still try to do so much to please my parents. A compliment from either of them is like water in a desert. I got one tonight and it filled me with some much pride and I was so pleased with myself. Then I realized I was being ridiculous and popped my balloon to let myself fall to the level to ask myself why it was they couldn't be happy like that for me when I do things that I want to do?

But I guess it's a pretty natural thing for kids to always want to please their parents.

Also, still trying to get over my paranoid, self-conscious and even narcissistic thinking that I'm always being judged by those around me. What I wear, what I do, who I am. Some things I'm cool with, because being a tomboy? That's nothing. Being a feminist? A little dicier just because I hate confrontation, but I'm not going to lie about it.

I've placed myself in a position where I'm constantly trying to please my parents and "save face" in public. Ugh don't even get me talking about what I was thinking when I was coming home on the bus.

So yeah, like mother like daughter. Some things I don't mind, others? Fuck, I don't want to become my mom guys, I really don't. I doubt I will, but there's always that idea that I might lurking around.

Proud vs. Amused

Feeling absurdly proud and amused because my suspicions that my second brother was seeing a girl has been confirmed. I'm pleased to announce my brother are now both dating, one at the very late age of 29 and the other 27 by tomorrow.

They're late starters but I hope things turn out well for them.

And I hope my mother doesn't find out about my second brother dating or a terribly awkward interrogation will soon ensue.

Also my cousin offered me a part-time job that I took, it's only for a couple weeks but if I work the hours she mentioned I should get at least 900-1000 dollars in two weeks which I'm happy with. I applied for a government job that my mother mentioned and I'll be taking the examination session next week. If I pass it then I'll head to the interviews. The results of this will decide whether I'll be continuing my schooling so let's see how things go.

I'm not surprisingly neutral about the possible results. anyways it's too early to speculate about those things. I'm going to need to go shopping for some appropriate interviewing clothes.

Also, never buying another apple product ever again.

Bribed vs. Bargained

It wasn't too long ago I was both laughing and shaking my head at a post I saw on Tumblr where a man admitted to bribing his gay son with new laptops and such to not be gay.

To me it just spoke how completely ignorant and terrible some people can be. On the other hand his son is getting a lot of new nice stuff while at the same time suffering at the hand knowing his parents have decided spoiling and bribing him is a great way of shaping his character. That they will literally buy and do anything to make sure he is 'normal'.

I am pretty unfit so when my parents told me they would buy me a car if I got in better shape I wasn't sure how to react. I mean a car would be nice- if i could you know DRIVE. Honestly I rather have a new computer but I think that would go against what they want for me. Unbeknowst to them I've already been eating better and actually excersising, shocker I know. Of course now I've messed up the nerves in my foot or something and I can't walk without sharp pain to go through my right foot so meh.

Also I'm pretty sure Vic knows about me. It's kind of freaking me out cause he's being all supportive and stuff and shows me all these lgbt articles. Of course then he says something douchebaggy and then I don't know anymore.

I'm not sure if this post was about lgbt stuff or my parents bribing me to get off the computer and going outside more.

----

Which reminds me, my mom wants me to apply for a full time job for a call centre for the government. The pay is pretty great around 50k annually, I really need an income if I want to get a PC and ever move out of my parent's place. But the thing is I would have to drop out of school to work, my mom says she wants me to work a year and then go back but I don't think I would go back if I stopped.

I don't know she's getting Victor to apply too. I guess I'll apply and see if I get an interview before I decide anything. Knowing me though I won't get passed the interview. I'm no good at formal things sigh.

Meh vs. Whatever

It's summer yeah, but I'm starting Spring classes on Wednesday. Also I'm working my volunteer hours, so my supervisor has more to say in my letter I'm having her write for me.

At this point though I've pretty much given up any ideas of being accepted into the Social Work program. It's sort of a combination of no hope and being unsure. I mean I really like being in Sociology, but I know a degree in it won't really get me where I need to be.

I mean I'll still at least try, but with my grades, my lack of experience and my meh reference letters I don't really expect anything other than a rejection letter.

Don't mind the rather depressing post, I've been in a crappy mood as of late.

Work vs. Entertainment

I am about to embark on a trip. An incredibly long, risky trip all for the sake of a final project for my research methods class. I have not yet decided on the final goal as of yet, but know this. Over the next week or two I will be:

-rewatching Rizzoli and Isles
-rewatching Grey's anatomy
-rewatching Xena
-rewatching Glee
-watching ER
-watching Buffy
-watching Ghost Whisperer
-watching Saved by the Bell

If I should disembark my route and end up in the bowls of distraction and obsession I hope you all remember me well and that my intentions were pure and good.

These are my final words before I go.

I love you all.

In Pain vs. Tired

I hate drinking. And rowdy, loud places where people scream in my ear half the night.

Give me a quiet night by myself anytime over that.

I have a headache, shut the fuck up. I'm allowed to be a hermit. I mean hell we were waiting for twenty minutes and I already had it before I even drank anything.

Amazon.com the most unreliable company ever and has the worst customer service I've ever had to come in contact with.

Sigh.

Oh look.

Another day avoiding discreet accusations. And subtle goadings.

I just want to live on my own when these things happen.

Asking vs. Sort of Answering

When people ask me what I'm majoring in which I have one long answer.

First I say Sociology, then I add in that I'm planning on transferring into Social Work.

For the response theres a 50/50 chance of what it'll be.

1) What's Sociology?
2) Oh, Social work.

Clearly people are either not impressed by my chosen career, or they decide to ask me the hardest question to answer for me.

As I'm usually too lazy I just say it's the study of society.

But here's a nice little written post by someone, it doesn't explain Sociology but everything it says is basically what I love about the field of study. I like most of what's written in it.

"Society is going to try to shape you into who it thinks you are meant to be. It’s going to label you. It’s going to set a path for your life and make it very difficult to deviate from it. It’s going to bombard you from every angle and tell you over and over and over again that this is who you are meant to be.
But that doesn’t mean it’s true."

the entire thing is here

I plan on minoring in sociology if I get into Social Work. Mostly because Sociology has taught me so much about how people behave in populations. That the expected parts of life, aren't set in stone and there is so much more, there is so much possibility. I like to think that I've learned to become a better person through Sociology.

And I want to be able to apply what I've learned from my Soci lessons into an applicable career in which human perspective, understanding and openness and honestly help people who are misunderstood, undermined and feared.

Fuck. I seriously hope my credit card hasn't be jacked. I really don't need to go through this again.

Just checked my online statement and got charged like 230 dollars from Amazon.com. Thing is I don't use Amazon.com I use amazon.ca and Amazon.ca shows up as Amazon.ca not Amazon.com. Meaning Amazon is screwing me over or I need to cancel my credit AGAIN and have them look in this. AGAIN. FML.

Rumours and Lies vs Truths and Reality

Here's a shocker.

I'm a feminist.

Bam.

Here's another shocker.

The majority of people who say they're not a feminist are.

Gasp.

The sad thing is, is that society has let anti-feminist propaganda give women's movements and feminism a bad connotation. Which if you think makes no sense since if you ask so many people would agree that they support women's equality politically, economically and socially. And yet they go along with the stereotypes anti-feminists- AKA organizations who don't support women's rights at all- have spread.

One of the things people bring up about feminism is that without it women wouldn't be able to vote. True, but there are so many other things. Thanks to feminist movements women have gained so many things that we take for granted now.

-access to contraceptives
-the right to work outside the home
-equal pay for equal work (sort of)
-the right to refuse sex, even with their partner
-able to receive a higher education
-access to safe and legal abortion
-able to participate in sports
-able to hold a political office
-able to choose any career of interest
-freedom from sexual harassment in the workplace
-able to enter legal and financial transactions (AKA have your own credit score, get loans etc.)
-able to study issues about women's lives and experiences

And thats only the beginning. Still, despite all our progress and people's belief that the women's movement is over and isn't needed anymore it's completely untrue. 80% of these people are men unsurprisingly but over 60^ of women believe this too.

Unfortunately women still make 72 cents for every dollar a man makes. Are still subjected to career stereotypes and expectations. Are expected to not only have a successful career but to also deal with housework at the same time. Women have gained the right to do as much as a man, but they have not yet gained the right to do as little as a man. Shocker there right?

I don't want to clutter this post with everything from my lecture and my text. But the entire time I thought I was just being traditional - AKA anything pertaining my parent's ideals or wishes. I'm complying and submitting myself to the oppressing force of society telling women to be passive. While this entire time I've thought I've grown into a person not entirely along with my parent's wants- I've realized I haven't strayed and come into myself as much as I had thought.

It's...strange to realize you encompass so many desired qualities of a female from a time in which women were oppressed, sexually harassed and used.

I'm not saying I hate myself now or anything. But it would be nice sometimes to be y'know less emotional, less sensitive, more aggressive, less passive and more outspoken about my values and my beliefs. And as much as I try and want to be a person who contributes to the movement of women or of the lgbt community or whatever, it's really very hard.

Especially when one of your largest opponents is your family.

But this post isn't so much about me and my family situation. I just thought I'd like to alleviate some of those rumours, stereotypes and lies about being a feminist. The 5 most common myths of about being a feminist are as follows.

1.we are an angry group who are whiny and exaggerate discrimination
2. we hate all men or want to be men
3. we're all lesbians
4. we reject motherhood
5. the woman's movement draws away from other social and economic problems

Despite my example of being a sexually fluid female who has a like/irritated relationship with the male gender I don't hate them- and despite my personal situation no I don't want to be a man, I identify with the female gender so there. Again, shocker. I've wanted to be a mother since I was like 10, and despite my angry seemingly biased opinions the discrimination women face are serious problems that aren't talked about only in woman studies. Once again, shocker. And as selfish as humans are feminists have contributed to a number of other social movements other than the woman's movement and in some cases have spearheaded other ones one of the most prominent being the anti-slave movement that occur ed years ago.

So there. I'm done and I'm going to sleep now and I hope ya'll realize being a feminist isn't bad at all. Hell I'm proud to be one and I don't see why I wouldn't be.

Bored vs Amused

Dear more athletic version of me, AKA tiny me:

I'm writing this letter to you because A) I'm bored B) I'm bored and C) if you ever actually see this you better fucking follow it to the letter. And Yes you swear in the future, gasp! Here's some stuff you need to do or don't do, and just follow my instructions okay?

1. Stop trying to be a 6 year old badass and just be a nice kid. And that Pikachu jacket you love? Yeah, not that cool. Also don't punch any girl cause she'll cry, then you'll cry and you'll never be able to punch anyone with your full strength again.
   
2. Don't steal candy from Superstore, it's not all that great seriously. You get over candy in high school, and if you have to eat it stick to the good stuff like KitKat or Crunch.
   
3. Don't be such a spoiled brat. You're sick? Don't cry until you make mom buy you Hey You Pikachu for the Nintendo 64. Also don't get the Nintendo 64, let Victor get the Dreamcast instead.
   
4. DON'T GET INTO NARUTO. AND ABOVE ALL DO NOT BUY ANY NARUTO MERCHENDISE, you'll be over it in two years and hate the hell out of the entire series. You know what just don't send any money that's not on food. ( you still have a problem with that now, but at least it's not Naruto)
   
5. Don't get too bummed when that girl you've known since CJP no longer hangs out with you, or talks with you. You'll get over it eventually and have better, closer friends.
   
6. And when you get a dare to make you eat condiments only don't do it. Don't Do It.
   
7. Do not buy DQ cake for birthdays and eat it at DQ with plastic forks with three other people. Bad. BAD IDEA.
   

There is so much more I could write about things not to do, but more importantly these are things you do need to do.

1. Go into drama. Drop French and go into Drama in junior high, you'll regret it your entire life if you don't.
   
2. Get involved, break out of your shell a little earlier and you'll experience so many more things.
   
3. Get a job, and stick to it in high school you'll need to money.
   
4. Get into a sport, start skating again, play basketball anything. Get active, stay active. Cause you'll only turn into a fat lazy pig if you don't.
   
5. Don't spend three years second guessing yourself about that one issue. There's a reason why you stopped staring at the ground when you walk you know.
   
6. Learn to cook and bake, you'll love it.
   
7. Do Psychology in high school for easy marks. DON'T do it in University, also don't do Pure Math in high school. It's completely useless.
   
8. Those friends you'll make in grade 5? You're best friends ever.
   
9. Do not get high lights in high school. If you want to dye your hair, only dye the tips. And DO NOT LET ANYONE CURL YOUR HAIR EVER.
   
10. Join Choral and love it for three years straight.
    
11. Cherish every moment with grandma and grandpa.
    

You'll spend your time writing and reading and you'll love it. Start and never stop. You'll live to 19, at least and you'll still have great friends. You might be unsure about how to do stuff still in the world but you'll get there. You'll learn to be less naive about the world and realize all the faults, but even still you'll enjoy life cause there are good points. Learn to drive and never stop, cause oh my god I still can't and that's a terrible idea. And when you're buying a mouse for your laptop? Just get the damn wireless mouse.
Spend a little less, do a little more, keep your friends and be less of a bully in elementary school. But most importantly this.

It'll hurt when you realize your family isn't as you imagined them to be. It still sucks and it still hurts, but still love them cause they're your family. And maybe someday I'll write you another letter about whether things turn out alright with them.

So, don't let mom cut your hair, grow it out or get a better short hairstyle, stop wearing sweaters with power rangers on them and learn that you're not as bad ass you want to be. You suck at math and just stick with what you love and what you're good at.

Write to you later, good luck and all that stuff.


Sincerely,
An older, slightly wiser but still childish You.

Tired vs. Frustrated

It's so much easier to write out my shit than talk about it. Sigh. I mean...I first came out in a like a wooden house in the middle of a forest on a tiny island at night with all of us huddled on couches.

...I just...sigh.

Frustration vs. Fear (ugh ignore this I'm in a dark place)

That moment when a tv show hits too close to home and you start crying.

Sad vs. Embarrassed

Lazy as hell vs. To-do list

So. I'm nearing the end of reading week, and considering I skipped school on Wednesday I had an extra day compared to other people. I haven't done any work like at all. All I've done is watch three movies, scream over Glee, watch 12 consecutive hours of Ellen Degeneres clips and laughing my ass off, play flash games and hate on myself for procrastinating so bad.

This is what I need do:
-philosophy assignment due Monday
-copy friend's statistics notes on regression by Tuesday
-watch Glee on Tuesday and die from my current OTP
-come back to life from dying from watching Glee
-study how to calculate gamma, lamda, regression and read my statistics text book by Thursday
-Do another month's worth of notes and reading on Sociologists and their theories and lives, put it in a specific assignment format by Thursday
-catch up on reading for my social stratification class, where I got a C on my midterm
-work on my application into social work
-get someone to look over my resume for my application into social work
-stop procrastinating by posting on my blog
-stop crying over sad videos on youtube
-sleep before 3 AM
-Wake before 11 AM
-Don't fail school
-try not to get super depressed again, I mean I just got out of it.

Hm, my original list of school things seems to have expanded. But meh. Annnd I just realized its just after 3 AM so I already fail.

Honesty vs. Truth

I honestly feel sorry for my future kids if they end up being gay.

    Kid: "Mom?"
    Me: "Yeah?"
    Kid: "...would you still love me if...I was gay?"
    Me: "...are you gay?"
    Kid: "Yes."
    Me: "OH MY GOD YES COME HERE NEW FAVORITE CHILD I KNEW I RAISED YOU RIGHT GIVE ME A HUG I'M MAKING COOKIES DO YOU WANT A NEW CAR HERE PUT GLEE IN THE DVD PLAYER WE'RE HAVING A PARTY."