Cute vs Annoying

Discovered my aunt's house (where I'm staying while I'm in LA) now has a dog in residence. I am so glad I am not allergic to dogs as I am to cats.

And while adorable, the thing is kinda annoying since I do not want to sleep where the dog enjoys climbing all over the place (a sofa). And it's hard to hate because it does the cutest things like take my brothers sock and drags it away.

Apparently it's a poodle, but it looks nothing like a poodle. AKA it's freakin' cute. I'll post up a picture if I can get it to stay still.

Also, my plane got delayed. BUT

I SAT NEXT TO NATASHA HENSTRIDGE ON THE PLANE. IF YOU DON'T KNOW HER SHE'S A CELEBRITY PEOPLE. HOLY. SHIT. I had no idea who she was until like hours later though. I'm sure she didn't mind I had no idea who she was at the time haha, I mean she was sleeping most of the time.

Pokemon vs Political Campaign?

But like seriously, you could take the script of Pokemon The First Movie and use that to make a political campaign and be like "as quoted from Mewtwo of the first Pokemon movie...."

And be amazing because A) you're quoting from Pokemon and B) the writers of pokemon have more human sense than 99% of politicians. After all...

As quoted from cloned Meowth being translated by Meowth from the first Pokemon movie...

"We have a lot in common. The same Earth. The same Air. The same Sky. If we look pass all our differences and just look at what we have the same- we're not that different."

Or something like that.

This is our life lesson people:

Follow the life lessons from Pokemon movies.  (Or at least the old ones)

Interrupting the regular blogcast with this....

A FREAKING BABY KOALA

 

THIS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED

Bored vs Amused

Dear more athletic version of me, AKA tiny me:

I'm writing this letter to you because A) I'm bored B) I'm bored and C) if you ever actually see this you better fucking follow it to the letter. And Yes you swear in the future, gasp! Here's some stuff you need to do or don't do, and just follow my instructions okay?

1. Stop trying to be a 6 year old badass and just be a nice kid. And that Pikachu jacket you love? Yeah, not that cool. Also don't punch any girl cause she'll cry, then you'll cry and you'll never be able to punch anyone with your full strength again.
   
2. Don't steal candy from Superstore, it's not all that great seriously. You get over candy in high school, and if you have to eat it stick to the good stuff like KitKat or Crunch.
   
3. Don't be such a spoiled brat. You're sick? Don't cry until you make mom buy you Hey You Pikachu for the Nintendo 64. Also don't get the Nintendo 64, let Victor get the Dreamcast instead.
   
4. DON'T GET INTO NARUTO. AND ABOVE ALL DO NOT BUY ANY NARUTO MERCHENDISE, you'll be over it in two years and hate the hell out of the entire series. You know what just don't send any money that's not on food. ( you still have a problem with that now, but at least it's not Naruto)
   
5. Don't get too bummed when that girl you've known since CJP no longer hangs out with you, or talks with you. You'll get over it eventually and have better, closer friends.
   
6. And when you get a dare to make you eat condiments only don't do it. Don't Do It.
   
7. Do not buy DQ cake for birthdays and eat it at DQ with plastic forks with three other people. Bad. BAD IDEA.
   

There is so much more I could write about things not to do, but more importantly these are things you do need to do.

1. Go into drama. Drop French and go into Drama in junior high, you'll regret it your entire life if you don't.
   
2. Get involved, break out of your shell a little earlier and you'll experience so many more things.
   
3. Get a job, and stick to it in high school you'll need to money.
   
4. Get into a sport, start skating again, play basketball anything. Get active, stay active. Cause you'll only turn into a fat lazy pig if you don't.
   
5. Don't spend three years second guessing yourself about that one issue. There's a reason why you stopped staring at the ground when you walk you know.
   
6. Learn to cook and bake, you'll love it.
   
7. Do Psychology in high school for easy marks. DON'T do it in University, also don't do Pure Math in high school. It's completely useless.
   
8. Those friends you'll make in grade 5? You're best friends ever.
   
9. Do not get high lights in high school. If you want to dye your hair, only dye the tips. And DO NOT LET ANYONE CURL YOUR HAIR EVER.
   
10. Join Choral and love it for three years straight.
    
11. Cherish every moment with grandma and grandpa.
    

You'll spend your time writing and reading and you'll love it. Start and never stop. You'll live to 19, at least and you'll still have great friends. You might be unsure about how to do stuff still in the world but you'll get there. You'll learn to be less naive about the world and realize all the faults, but even still you'll enjoy life cause there are good points. Learn to drive and never stop, cause oh my god I still can't and that's a terrible idea. And when you're buying a mouse for your laptop? Just get the damn wireless mouse.
Spend a little less, do a little more, keep your friends and be less of a bully in elementary school. But most importantly this.

It'll hurt when you realize your family isn't as you imagined them to be. It still sucks and it still hurts, but still love them cause they're your family. And maybe someday I'll write you another letter about whether things turn out alright with them.

So, don't let mom cut your hair, grow it out or get a better short hairstyle, stop wearing sweaters with power rangers on them and learn that you're not as bad ass you want to be. You suck at math and just stick with what you love and what you're good at.

Write to you later, good luck and all that stuff.


Sincerely,
An older, slightly wiser but still childish You.

No Offense vs. Offended

And here I thought the biggest problem I would face were homophobes and those of the ignorant invisible privileged. Turns out I was half right.

Instead I find myself ambushed by some racist chick in my social stratification class. I didn't understand half of the things she said. The things she were saying were either incredibly ignorant, racist or off topic or made absolutely no sense in like a grammatical way.

I think I blinked and stared at her stuck between indignation, shock and confusion as she continued talking.

And really? If you have to say "no offense" when you start a sentence, my immediate response is to be ready to be offended.

And if you think Chinese and Japanese people shouldn't be allowed in Canada, let me tell you something you little bitch. I'm pretty sure those Aboriginals you were badmouthing a couple minutes before me don't think white people should be allowed on their land either.

Also? They're called residential schools, not "native school" whatever the hell that is. And you know what happened in those places, horrible, horrible things.

I just...

ARGH, I'm so frustrated. I wanted to beat her head into the table.

Tired vs. Frustrated

It's so much easier to write out my shit than talk about it. Sigh. I mean...I first came out in a like a wooden house in the middle of a forest on a tiny island at night with all of us huddled on couches.

...I just...sigh.

GUYSGUYSGUYSGUYS

I NEED TO BUY GLEE KARAOKE REVOLUTION VOLUME 3.

But I have no money....

maybe I should wait till I go down to the states to see if its cheaper?

Hilarious vs. Scarring

Also.

That hilarious, awkward moment when the speaker tells you about a woman comparing lesbian sex to holding a baby.

LIKE OMG NO, NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT. THE WRONG IMAGES IN MY MIND ARE HORRIFYING AND YET SO HILARIOUSLY SCARY AND IILEGAL.

Wow vs Duh

....

That awkward moment when you realize just how embarrassingly queer and geeky you were four hours ago.

I swear it's because I bottle it up....it just kinda exploded out. ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT MY ENERGY ONLY COMES OUT IN BURSTS WHEN MY FANDOMS ARE INVOLVED. I just have no one to talk to about it ok? Geez.

Masculine vs. Feminine

“TRUE MEN” by Brian Shumway
Project Description:
Gender can be a perplexing thing. Despite being flexible and malleable, it defines and confines who we are and how we express ourselves, especially through behavior and dress. Men in particular are bound by the dictates of gender. To be a ‘real man,’ being manly and masculine (or at the very least not outwardly effeminate) are paramount. Expression of one’s manhood, especially in public, must remain within a narrow range of acceptable social norms. Little boys are conditioned as such from birth, almost as a universal absolute. But this ignores the full story of male identity. There is a large spectrum of male experience that is deemed off limits by popular society. The men in this portrait series fall outside traditional notions of manliness and masculinity. They possess an effeminate manner, dress, or look, a ‘girlishness’ that is as much a part of being male as weightlifting and football. They boldly embrace expressions of male identity which flaunt the confines of conventional conceptions of manhood and what it means to be a man.

Beauty vs. Disease

In a world where there are size zeroes in clothing, is it any wonder there are so many girls who have eating disorders? Is it any wonder where even run way models die from lack of nutrition? When their weary sick bodies finally give in and they just die?

No, no it isn't.

It's a horrible things thats happening around the world because media and so many people in the world think that girls who are nothing but skin and bones are the beauty of the world. And the thing it isn't, pictures of woman with their ribs showing, when their arms are the same circumference from their biceps to their wrists horrify people. It’s not right, it's immoral to encourage this and it's a plague that spreading throughout the world as fast as obesity. And yet it's become the norm of society and it's sickening, people promote this in children as young as twelve. Telling child models that they need to work out, that they're too fat and such when they haven't even hit puberty yet. This causes low-self-esteem and destructive habits and perspectives that can take lives.

The most beautiful woman in the world, is someone who is happy in their own body no matter the type and can smile with life in their eyes and confidence in who they are.

Frustration vs. Fear (ugh ignore this I'm in a dark place)

That moment when a tv show hits too close to home and you start crying.

Sad vs. Embarrassed

This basically encompasses 50% of why I'm in Sociology.

“In one experiment, five young mothers were observed interacting with a 6 month old called beth. They smiled at her often and offered her dolls to play with. She was seen as ‘sweet,’ having a ‘soft cry’. The reaction of a second group of mothers to a child the same age, named Adam, was noticeably different. They offered him a train or other ‘male’ toys to play with. Beth and Adam were actually the same child, dressed in different clothes.”

—Experiment detailed in my sociology textbook to detail the early impression of gender roles. (via emaconly) --Reminds me of the experiment some prof did. He let his class hear two fragments of a baby who cries and asked his class why the girl/boy was crying, while it was actually the same baby crying but because people thought the gender was different they said the girl cried because she was sad and the boy cried because he was angry.
(via captain-sonic)

Lazy as hell vs. To-do list

So. I'm nearing the end of reading week, and considering I skipped school on Wednesday I had an extra day compared to other people. I haven't done any work like at all. All I've done is watch three movies, scream over Glee, watch 12 consecutive hours of Ellen Degeneres clips and laughing my ass off, play flash games and hate on myself for procrastinating so bad.

This is what I need do:
-philosophy assignment due Monday
-copy friend's statistics notes on regression by Tuesday
-watch Glee on Tuesday and die from my current OTP
-come back to life from dying from watching Glee
-study how to calculate gamma, lamda, regression and read my statistics text book by Thursday
-Do another month's worth of notes and reading on Sociologists and their theories and lives, put it in a specific assignment format by Thursday
-catch up on reading for my social stratification class, where I got a C on my midterm
-work on my application into social work
-get someone to look over my resume for my application into social work
-stop procrastinating by posting on my blog
-stop crying over sad videos on youtube
-sleep before 3 AM
-Wake before 11 AM
-Don't fail school
-try not to get super depressed again, I mean I just got out of it.

Hm, my original list of school things seems to have expanded. But meh. Annnd I just realized its just after 3 AM so I already fail.

Honesty vs. Truth

I honestly feel sorry for my future kids if they end up being gay.

    Kid: "Mom?"
    Me: "Yeah?"
    Kid: "...would you still love me if...I was gay?"
    Me: "...are you gay?"
    Kid: "Yes."
    Me: "OH MY GOD YES COME HERE NEW FAVORITE CHILD I KNEW I RAISED YOU RIGHT GIVE ME A HUG I'M MAKING COOKIES DO YOU WANT A NEW CAR HERE PUT GLEE IN THE DVD PLAYER WE'RE HAVING A PARTY."

Lest We Forget

 

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Gender vs Sex

I never really thought about it until I took my Genders Relations class. But most people don't normally think about their gender and whether it matches their sex. I don't know maybe it's because you don't think about it unless you do know your gender and sex don't match. But after a particular lecture where we watched a film on Transgender and Transsexuals did I really think about it.

I mean, I have perfectly good reason to question my gender don't I? My mother constantly calls me a tomboy and my brothers tease me about it. My parents are constantly complaining that I'm nothing like a girl.

According to Psychologists I could potentially be transgender because I didn't grow up playing with dolls, I don't enjoy wearing dresses and I much rather partake in more 'male' activities. Whatever the fuck that means. As my mother likes to say I wear 'boy' clothes, I much rather sit down to a hockey game than shop for clothes, I don't have any interest in makeup or nail polish. The most 'feminine' I get is me straightening my hair. I wear dresses when I have to, not because I want to. And honestly I think being a guy would just be so much easier even in our day and age.

I know being a guy would be a lot easier for me at least. For more than the obvious reason. I mean I'm pretty sure having a male anatomy would be interesting, though I would say the teenage hormonal boners would be rather embarrassing.

So I asked myself am I transgender? Do I perceive myself as female, do I feel that I am a girl?

And the answer is, yeah. Yeah I'm a girl, I like being a girl and I'm a damn proud feminist. Just because I don't fit into the boundaries and categories people place on us doesn't make me gender confused or whatever. I like what I like, and I am what I am.


It's funny because based on a psychological diagnosis I could be diagnosed with being born in the wrong body. Yet when I took a survey done by a sociologist, I'm considered extremely feminine.

So what does that say about me?

Hallows Eve

Good evening.

Despite waking up with a cold, much sneezing and the inability to breathe through my nose I got up dressed in my costume and headed off to school. I proceeded to get freaky looks, scared some small children and got one "Holy Crap." out of someone. I said in my last post I would put some pictures up, my brother enthusiastically took them though I will say I didn't like a few of them haha. They were too high def that you could see the cracks in my makeup.

Here they are:

And there we go. And yeah my mom freaked out when she saw me hah.

Real vs. Fake

Well, I cut my hand open while making my halloween costume. (AKA my second knuckle). Might as well use the blood for my costume am I right? I hope it won't stand out too much when I use the fake blood I'll be making ._.

Anyways, did my face up and tried on one of the contacts I bought. Freak-y. The contacts are a bit hard to get used to, and I need a little more work with my tissue/glue skills but I think it'll turn out pretty good considering. Still need to locate from red and black eyeshadow though before Monday. I'll make sure someone takes a photo for me and I'll post up my final product haha.

BTW purposely ripping your jeans does not get the ripped jeans look I'm trying to go for, this is how I cut my finger by the way. That army knife I have is really, really sharp.

Math vs. Harry Potter

Draco's father will hear about this.

Crying vs Sobbing

Prepare to cry you're freakin' eyes out. You don't need to watch, but just listen.

 

Ten years ago, DJ Sammy & Yanou released a version of "Heaven" featuring the words of a 5 year old girl who lost her father in the 9/11 attacks. Well this is the updated story of a girl from age five through today in her high school years.

Fucking Adorable vs. D'awwww

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. I really...really couldn't. I'll make it up with something deep or human rights-y later.

Chopsticks vs. Fork

Not nearly as annoying as the typical "When did you realize you were gay?" question. But still annoying.

Love vs. Hate

I wore purple today, to my disappointment not many people did.

LET LOVE IN

Especially on a day like today, remember to be KIND. It’s the ultimate GIFT you can GIVE. 

You wake up every morning from a DREAM, throughout they day this can be crushed by those unworthy of your LOVE. My WISH for today, is that there can be a conscious effort to be KIND, PRESENT, WHOLE & JUST. 

You are WORTH it, and so are those around YOU. Bullying doesn’t have to exist. It is CREATED by those of weak SPIRIT and MIND. 

FOCUS on the POSITIVE, leave the negative behind.

-Dianna Agron

(AKA one of the most amazing women I've ever fangirled over)

Spirit vs Purple

Can anyone else tell I'm getting lazy with these titles?

Anyways.

On October 20th, AKA this Thursday wear purple as a show of support for Spirit day- AKA those of the LGBT community.

Now then. I'm in need of a purple tie....

Tictacs vs. Grapefruit

OMG GRAPEFRUIT TICTACS

OMG

OMG

OMG

JUST.

AAAAHHHH

Buy them to support Breast Cancer Research ;D

Thinking vs Pondering

Trying to think up of Halloween costumes. The 31st is on a Monday =/ so I guess not much is gonna happen.

Anyways, I just ordered white out contact lens, so yeah...not too sure what would go with that. Ideas would be great lol. If I can't think of anything I'll be the creepy darkly dressed stalker or a zombie. But zombies need fake blood and I don't have fake blood...hmmm, nor do I know how to do makeup for fake blood and wounds. Ugh, dammit.

News vs History

Wow. Talk about old news. Those researchers are really behind on the times.

At the same time this is sort of offensive. I mean really? they need research to confirm bisexuals exist? I don't see research being done to see if heterosexuals exist.

Yesterday vs. Today

October 11th was National Coming Out Day.

....

....

....

I'm gay.

Gratitude for Things(ppl?) Underappreciated.

Since Monday is Thanksgiving (I prefer Gratitude Day) and reading a few blogs I decided to post up my own thanks before I get into my typical mind-numbing rant haha.

---------

Thanks to my parents for giving me the chance to experience life, to my brothers for tolerating me and including me and protective natures. For raising me with morals, to be sensitive, to be caring, even if it was more like a side-effect than primary objective, for pushing me when you did push. And even despite all the stuff I'm going through now, thanks for raising me to be me (even if you don't like me like this).

Thanks to my friends for being there with me through all the steps of life, for getting to know me, for accepting me as I am and for being able to put up with my mental weirdness. For listening to me when I talk, for being patient when I can't find the words to express myself, for letting me know you'll be there when I need you. For not laughing when I cry over small silly things and for being totally ok when I bare myself to you. (Ugh I got a little emotional there.)

Thank you internet for exposing me to the world beyond my home, beyond my family's views and showing me the cruelness and the kindness in the world. For opening my eyes and letting me see possibilities for others and myself I never knew. (AKA thanks for letting me figure out how not to be a douchebag and asshole). Also for giving me the information to know when I had a bladder infection and needed prescription medicine so I didn't get kidney stones. (kidney stones?)

Thanks to everyone in the past who fought for what they believed in, for equality, liberty, freedom, human rights, and so much more to give me and others like me the type of life I have now. Thank you to everyone who still fights and continues to in order to improve our current lives and to give others the same elsewhere. You're all freakin' awesome.

-----------

Ugh this turned out a lot like my deleted apology blog. Only with thanks instead of sorry haha.

Watch it.

Depressed vs Really Depressed.

So theres this free online test telling you if you're depressed and need counselling, I did it cause I was bored. My score was 17/30.

 Basically, I'm showing signs of major depression and should see counselling to determine if I really am.

Interested in a quiz that takes like a minute to do? Here:

http://calgarycounselling.com/ndsd.htm

Have fun and maybe you'll find out you need to see someone too!

To Stay vs To Run

People are always saying that our generation is the generation of the Internet. We spend more and more time everyday on the Internet, in our cellphones, the TV and magazines. Media and technology is the centre of our lives and there are people who literally cannot live without it

Why do teens spend so much time on facebook, twitter, watching movies and TV shows? One part is because its entertainment, but so are other various activities and we do not spend nearly as much time on those things.

It's an escape. An escape to run from reality, the crappiness of it all and the hard things. To be able to just lose yourself in something and forget even if it's for a few hours at a time. But as the desire to run increases the time being isolated from what's really happening increases and thus our generation is born.

Why do I always complain about how teenagers seem to be getting worst and worst? It's because to me it really seems like it. As more time is spent away from reality, of actually living life people begin feeling disconnected and even more lost. It makes reality even harsher and things more frustrating. Because in media we see all these ideals and we hate ourselves for not being able to replicate those ideals for ourselves and our lives.

With this disconnection comes this attitude and behaviour that things don't matter. That what one person does doesn't matter. And this attitude multiplied by hundreds of thousands- millions even. That causes a wave of disrespect, bad decisions, and hurt lives.

It's a cycle, I think. The more you spend away from real life, the more you find real life hard to deal with so you escape from it even more. The more you do this the less you feel connected and care about what's happening, the less people care the crappier life becomes and then it starts again. And again.

Of course I'm not saying this happens to everyone. And spending a couple hours even a few online is perfectly normal in our day and age. But when people's life revolve around what someones next tweet, face book status or tumblr post is we have problems. When people make videos of abuse, injustice just for views and ratings and comments we have serious problems.

Internet is great, it keeps everyone connected. It makes our lives easier, but at the same time it makes our lives harder. I'm hardly one to speak as I spend basically all my free time on my computer, but I think about it. How much more different would my life be if I spent only half of the time I do online?

For one my grades would be better probably, I would be fitter, I'd be more friendly and less socially awkward and shy. I'd have mo hobbies than video games and reading things online.

Of course. I could possibly be incredibly narrow minded, very naive, less informed and not be the person I am today.

Wouldn't it be nice?

If someone could just tell me what to do, so things don't go to shit.

Hating vs Being

I don't know if you guys know but some months ago a teenage boy killed himself because of homophobic bullying. Even after his death the students responsible for this outrageous act goes around saying that he was better off dead.
I can't imagine ever knowing someone like this. Someone so close minded, so heartless and completely disgusting. Just the thought of it makes me angry and incredibly sad. Because while these haters are living spouting their hate, someone who was just trying to be themselves is dead.

Homophobia lives on in the world, especially in the United States. And while it's a step forward that Don't ask, Don't Tell has been repealed and gays are now able to publicly be gay in the military, hate crimes continue. People die over this.

So yeah, you people can stick with your opinions or whatever, but when your judgements and your beliefs cause so much suffering to someone's life that they feel they're better off dead? Fuck you. I don't judge you on your opinions, I judge you on your actions. And your actions take lives every freakin' day in this world because you couldn't let someone be happy and be who they were born to be.

It's freaking sad when countries have hot lines set up so that gay teenagers have somewhere to call to vent and to cry and hope that someone out there will listen to them and to stop them from killing themselves don't you think?

Fate vs Coincidence

"Dear Movie Watcher:

Your parents are about to step into the room.

Sincerely,

The only sex scene in the movie."

Excited vs. Overjoyed

I have one word for you.

GLEE!!!!!!!!!

Inspired vs Follower

Anyways, my friends and I have this thing going where we've been trying to meet new people or whatever. So far I've met one person.

She is quite possibly one of the most friendly people I've ever met. She's the optimistic, open and laughing type. I've talked to her four times now and wow, the things she's done and the people she's met makes me go damn I've wasted my life. I mean really, would I ever be able to spot someone call out their name and tell them that we needed to be friends and just do so?

Probably not, just the idea of doing that freaks me out.

The joys of being socially awkward and inept hah. But yeah, meeting someone like this made me realize that wow people like this actually exist ya know?

So maybe I'm letting her first year enthusiasm ebb into me a little to actually go through with some of the stuff I want to do. Get involved, meet new people, make new friends, be myself. That along with the needs of keeping my marks up, volunteering more, getting to know my professor(s) and getting into social work.

I think two of the four needs correspond with my wants at least hah.

So anyways, I've been playing around with the idea of talking to one of my profs to see if I can somehow get involved in her research project. At the worst she'll say no and thats that, at the best she'll say yes. I just hope either way I'll get to talk to her a bit more and let her get to know me while getting good marks in that class and getting her as a reference haha. Yes, yes my ulterior motives are so evil >=D

Well other than that, been thinking about other stuff that I won't go into detail about as usual.

OH. And, been seriously contemplated getting a couple tattoos. Nothing big or elaborate, pretty small actually on my wrists. One would be the date my grandpa passed away, and the other would be the female sex symbol (is that what its called?). Thoughts? Should I do it? And even if I do, I need to find a tattoo place that won't overcharge me, isn't too far away and won't give me aids with dirty needles.

Tired vs Pleased

Say you wake up one morning and you realize that you're no longer your original sex.

1. What is your initial reaction?
2. How would your day be different?
3. How would your family react?
4. How would your partner react?
5. How would your friends react?
5. What if this change was permanent?

My professor asked my class this yesterday. Suffice to say, after the initial reaction of wondering what it would be like to pee standing up. Then I went on to think I'd become a human lab rat as a person doesn't change sexes overnight for absolutely no reason.

Someone else said they'd pee behind a tree standing, have sex with a girl, to play with "it" and generally doing all you could with male junk parts. Everyone laughed.


That is until someone then mentioned, they'd be considered a transgender because they would be a girl stuck in a guy's body. And things became a whole lot more serious in that instant, I enjoy these discussions because it just shows whose thinking about the issue at hand and who isn't.

Just because of this discussion? This is my favourite class. My philo class is a close second since we spent my first three classes talking about sex. And if I heard correctly we'll be on this topic for a long time.

Yeah I know I have problems.

The last time I tried writing this it was a good two pages long. But I felt like it went too deep for this blog, so I'll make it short and simple. Know that I direct this to everyone who knows me.

I'm sorry.

What am I sorry for? Just know that I am.

Real vs Fake (warning, srsly weird thoughts)

I think a lot when I'm alone, sometimes when I'm just in that mind frame.

...sometimes I wonder, because what I think about helps me figure out who I am. Cause, let's face it, that's a major question that most people don't have the answer to. But because I'm thinking so much, I'm not sure if what I discover about myself is real. Or if I just think and come to these conclusions because I want them. The answers to the question that is.

Is it really possible for a humble person to admit they're humble? Probably not. Is it possible for a modest person to admit they're modest? Unlikely.

So in that example. If a modest person sees that they are not modest but selfish, then they're modest because they believe they're selfish even though others may not see so. It's a dizzying circle, because people will say only what you think matters. Yet at the same time sometimes what you think is wrong, and then you have to come to the terms that what others think is right and then you need to understand why they're right and you're wrong.

It's really just going around in circles. I don't even know if what I'm typing is making any sense but this is all that I'm thinking about right now.

I can say I analyze myself. I've been trying to do that for years now, since the first year of high school I think. And as I think more and I try to figure out all the little pieces of me that make me tick, I come to the conclusion that I'm arrogant and selfish and narcissistic.

Everyone is like that even a little right?

And even as I recognize these features in me, even though I want to change it's hard. Because it's not like how stories say. What I say, what I do. Theres no process of planning in strategy, not unless it's a scheduled presentation or conversation.

Even then. Emotions get the better of a person. You'll say something you'll regret, you'll do something you can't believe you do and then you look back on it cringe and hope you'll do better. That you'll change. It's hard, and unless there is someone watching actively and helping you remind yourself not to do or say certain things- let's face it these impulsive things become a habit. And habits are hard to change.

Hunger vs Patience

Recently discovered that my house now has waffles. It's been years since I've had a waffle, so don't blame me when I ask you:

What do you eat waffles with?

I mean I guess maple syrup and butter right? But is that it? Fruit I guess?

OMG I NEED ANSWERS PEOPLE, I CANT EAT THEM UNTIL I KNOW WHAT TO EAT THEM WITH

Angst vs Seriously Depressed

Officially has an angst playlist to listen to.

No worries I'm not going actually depressed about anything, this is a self-induced one for dark inspiration.

So dark, sad song reccomendations are very welcome right now. Go.

What It Feels like For a Girl

Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl

-Madonna

Panic vs Calm

Two words. Gay Panic.

And I'm not the one suffering from it.

The End vs The Beginning

Currently imagining what I would do if a zombie virus started spreading around the world.

Life Sucks.

Obsession vs. Obsession

Oh. Damn.

I think I restarted my obsession with t.A.t.U, if you don't know it then don't bother looking it up xD

It's unfortunate because the group is officially disbanded and while both members of the group has decided to go solo, I think only one of htem will be mildly successful. Their movie, which finally came out in January in Russia, apparently isn't that great but even so I will wait for the English version and watch it even if I have to wait another three years. >:P

So, that versus my Harry Potter obsession is really like their song Spark says "sparks are flying in my head". With my renewed interest in tatu and the much awaited Pottermore release in August/September/October I've  rather...uh. Well, busier than I thought I would be haha.

As for my job, it's a meh thing right now. I'm missing two paychecks which I'm not happy about, and work is endless and annoyingly tiring. I've gotten three mosquito bites already from work and I'm expecting more.

I signed up for my courses for my second year at Uni, but yesterday my parents asked me to apply for another job for the government. It's full time, and my parents basically asked me if I wanted to continue my education. To say the least I was speechless.

I literally said nothing and they let me off from answering that question. I mean, I never expected anything like that to be asked of me. To drop out of university and go into the full workforce. For a job, while the pay is good, not what I ever even thought about doing for the rest of my life. Though if I actually thought about it, if I got the job I would be tempted.

There are too many ifs about my chosen profession. Not only do I have to be accepted into the faculty of Social Work but I'm not guaranteed work. I'll most likely need a Masters in it to get anywhere and ugh. Real life just sucks you know? I really miss being a kid again with no worries other than homework and exams. Sigh.

Well, until next time everyone.

No matter what I won't forget. No matter what I'll never want to let go. Our friendships mean too much. So I'll compromise and I'll sacrifice. Just stay with me to the end.

Humour vs Idiocy - This is an angry rant.

I'm sure everyone knows about the disgrace and disaster Vancouver is. Not because they lost against Boston, I was happy about that, but the way they reacted to the loss. The riot is in international news and now Canada is disgraced not but one year after our incredible Olympic run.

I don't blame the city. I blame the fans, I always did say I hated the Canucks. And thus my reasons for hating them has been justified on an international level.

It also brought to my attention that my sense of humour is...perhaps not as good as I thought it was. Or perhaps I just enjoy dry humour to much? Someone posted a note on facebook that was supposed to be a funny story. I read it and didn't find anything funny about it. I think the only thing I got out of that note was that A) they hinted that being a lesbian was a bad thing and B) the girl and guy in the story are either good friends or flirting with each other, or messing around and being eccentrically strange.

Perhaps I'm just not a very good people person? Or maybe I'm too serious sometimes when it comes to certain things. I don't find mean humour to be funny usually, the rare cases of it being directed at people who deserve it. Probably why I hate people who "troll" as it seems it's become and incredibly popular term to use as a verb and noun. And I dislike people who seem to be unable to take anything seriously.

I know my last post I was talking about how blah my life it. But at least I know that life is real, and not a joke or a game. Life is life, you live it once, people live it once, everyone and everything with a soul lives it once. You may find it funny when you're "trolling" someone but others can find it both hurtful and offending. Get some tact or perhaps a brain. Don't only think, but think and be a little sensitive hm? Because as overly sensitive as I may seem from my words, I have no reason to care about anyone who deserves whats coming to them.

Much like the people who rioted in Vancouver, I hope they all get arrested and be sentenced and punished for what they did. Teenagers and adults alike. You should know better. I'm disgusted with not only those people who were weak enough of succumb to mob mentality, but everyone who cheered them on and everyone else who is gets joy and fun out of the pain and suffering of others.

If you've got a problem with the rules. Get out of the country. Get out of this world. This time. This society. Cause guess what? The world has laws, and you obey them or you get punished? Don't like it? Well too fucking bad for you.

If everyone in the world was even one sixth of a person as someone who can admit who they are to the world without shame. That world would be a much better place than this one.

Body vs Mind

Sorry, I said I would update on my birthday but I totally forgot. I had training for my new job for Statistics Canada that day and spent the evening with my family mostly. The next couple days was me either relaxing or doing census stuff.

So yeah, I got a new job, I'm 19 now and honestly other than work and numerous people calling my cellphone and house now life hasn't changed.

Aging one year doesn't change anything really. To some people it may but turning 18 wasn't that big of a deal other than voting. And 19 really has even less changes other than the fact I realized I'm one year from living 20 years. When that came to my mind it was like a HOLY CRAP moment I had. The thing is life continues on no matter what.

The earth will still spin, time still runs, and life drags on. Perhaps the term dragging on is a little pessimistic sounding but to me thats how it seems really. I wake up for what exactly? Not much, what do I have to look forward to when I sleep? Not much.

School. Work. Sleep. Eat. School. Work. Sleep. Eat.

Life is rather monotone don't you think? The smatterings of entertainment is only temporary and I sometimes wonder if actual happiness throughout life is possible. It's when I wish I had the ability, or rather the guts to actually live life. I have time, many would say but I don't have the guts nor the will to put anything into action. I'm like that, a monotone life for a monotone girl.

So I'm 19 years old now. Good for me. Now back to life.

Take pleasure in the little things, because big things don't come along much in life.

Love vs Life

As I'm typing this theres thunder rumbling outside my window with heavy rain coming down accompanying it. I'm hungry, and realizing that it's June. The first day of June.

I've spent my summer so far, applying tow some jobs and a volunteering position. I've also spent my summer, sleeping eating, reading, writing and giving myself a terribly sore back and a very unhealthy life. I also spend my time waiting for when my brothers have their days off on the same day so we can hang out together which doesn't happen as often as I would like it to.

I have friends in Calgary and yet we haven't really gone out together other than a late night excursion for an hour or two to talk a little. Plans we thought we'd do were never done, and I've been thinking a little too deeply in my spare time.

Now I haven't had any grand revelations or wisdoms to share really, just self realizations. I seem to be getting those a lot after  I started university, or maybe I've just thought about it long enough now to reach some sort of conclusion. Well half-conclusion. A conclusion I'm not completely in denial about.

I won't say what I've decided or thought about, that's a little too personal I think for a blog post haha. I'm sure a couple of you might already be thinking this about me if you know me well enough, the hints have been there. But that's all I'll say.

Anyways enough about mysterious vague talks about myself. Just came on to talk a little about how I've been lately. AKA, feeling a little fat, having lower back problems, a little bored, and feeling a little old.

I'll post again in eleven days on my birthday.

It's sad when you know that in reality, an idealist will never go far with their ideals.

Possible vs Impossible

I have little to say due to my incredible disappointment. To say the least. The Conservative government won a majority government. The very thing I feared the most. With majority they can literally pass any bill or policy they want.

They can change the name of the government.

They can push gay marriage off the legal table.

They will continue to cut money to needed social services for Canadians everywhere. Because you know what. Not everyone is middle class, the majority may be but I find that people forget there are people in need here. And the sad thing is the people who mind tax raises the most aren't living in provinces with GST and PST which can add an extra 15% onto prices. But the rich provinces like Alberta who only pay the 5% GST.

They will also cut taxes form major corporations which really just mean US corporations working in Canada, giving more money to the stockholders and CEO's and less for the average citizen.

With such a government I honestly believe Canada will become nothing more than the United States hat. We might as well get annexed, I much prefer Obama.

In much better news, we had a girl's night today with a whole bunch of friends who came back home. Much missed company, laughs and personalities. Though it did bring into perspective how much I've changed in this single year of university.

I never thought it was possible but I think I've become even more...well sensitive. Not in the personal touchy feely way, but the "oh, that really isn't proper and could seriously offend someone" way. I suppose as I continue on my little path this transformation is inevitable. I'm a little glad it's happening though, it means- in my view- I'm becoming a better person.

And to anyone who didn't know it before. I'm Socialist- hell if Communist worked by the theory I'd gladly by communist.

Spring has come, and a new chapter begins. 
Whether it's one of doom or not- we'll have to read and see.

Ego vs Superego vs ID

It's been a while since my last post, and really I'm only posting cause someone bugged me to. Well heres an update about me, ahem.

It's now the end of April, meaning I've just finished my April exams. Meaning? I'm done my first year of University, both yay and nay. I'm a little anxious about my marks, since I'm not exactly an A student. I just hope to up my GPA from my first semester one which was below 3.0. I'd be happy to be at 3.0 now so...wish me luck? Haha. It's kinda weird because I'm actually doing a lot better in terms of effort and percentage now than when I was in high school. Of course now, the passing grade of 50 won't get me anywhere but the path of a dropout. Not that I was ever a 50% student.

Onto some good news, my cousin had her child a week and a half ago! A girl, who they named Kayla. She looks a lot like her dad which worries me a little (xD) But otherwise she was born with a head full of hair,, tiny feet, tiny hands and healthy which is very good. My brothers and I had a looong argument about what our "relationship" was to her. After much arguing, wiking and "I told you so's" we had all agreed that Kayla was our first cousin once removed. Wonderful isn't it? I really hate English genealogy btw. I can't really call Kayla my first once removed to her face can I? Not like grandma, or aunt.

As for less personal news, I'm sure everyone knows (not) that the federal election is coming up here in Canada. And honestly, I find the prospects not so great and depressing compared to our municipal election, which I'm sure everyone remembered me being very pumped for. (NENSHI!!)

I've done some quick, I'm too lazy to really care but I should research. And I've concluded this.

1. No Harper

Why? I do not want the government to be called the Harper Government. Can someone so narcissistic? Nor do I want to be governed by a system named after a man which probably scares small children.

2. No Conservatives AT ALL

This may sound like I'm just repeating the first one. Well I am. but on a more general level =D. I have no interest in a majority conservative government is more of my meaning. Perhaps even more so than Harper being PM. Cause honestly from traditional conservative views and beliefs, they're completely American in my view. And American like "hi I'm a redneck, I drink beer, look down on woman, don't care about the poor and needy, I'm also racist, sexist, narcissistic, egotistic, homophobic and I hate fascist Communist -hic-."

3. It's a three way tie between the Liberals NDP and Green for me.

Honestly I'm usually a Liberal supporter, but I really don't like Micheal. But...I'm willing to give him a try over a Conservative majority government or a Harper PM. I like the ideas of the NDP but they're too unrealistic about taxes. At least the Liberals aren't lying and saying that taxes won't be raised. As for the Greens, I love the environment- but let's be honest here. The Green Party isn't what Canada needs right now. I think perhaps a few decades down the line the Greens could be a strong rival party but for now? No.

Come round May 2nd, I'll probably vote Liberal. Unless anyone can convince me to vote one of the other two? Just don't try to change me to Harper, cause I may just call you stupid to your face and laugh at you.

The Judge vs The Condemned

If this post offends anyone I'm sorry, but as always I'm just writing down my thoughts and opinions. Let's all agree on one thing though, we're all entitled to believe what we want. Whether that be God or invisible evil monkey in your closet. We should also be entitled to being whoever we want to be. Of course there are limits, and as long as you're not harming someone else I see no reason why someone cannot be who they feel they are.

If anyone can guess the direction of this post, then good for you. If you can't and I'm being too vague again heres the thing.

Personally I relate myself to Buddhism, in some sort of long fingertips touching way. And I can understand what's so nice about being religious and having something to put your faith in, I do. But I'm far too much of a realist sometimes to really get into it. It's certainly interesting to learn and I'll admit I'm a critic when it comes to Catholic/Christian beliefs. But just as you don't try to convert me I won't try to convert you.

When I read or see some things on the internet, hell when I hear some things it really ticks me off. First, I'll admit I'm an activist at heart. The idea of protesting and fighting for what you believe is right really gets to me. You get it yet? I'm talking about gay rights today.

I know my last few ones have been about women and Japan, but this is something that I've really sat on for years now. Before all my Social Work and Sociology stuff. I grew up in a very traditional family who is luckily very tolerant. In my family's eyes its 'if they're happy about that and if doesn't affect me good for them'. But sometimes I hear things that make me really uncomfortable and I want to talk back. I stop for good reason, not only am I the youngest, but they're my family. And I really don't need family drama in my life.

First I'd like to address the issue of gay marriage. I know it's still talked about here in Canada sometimes, but with it legal up here already I haven't heard of it much. Down across the border though? It's disheartening and honestly very chaotic. And I'll admit now I'll openly support Lady Gaga simply because she does support gay rights. Yeah I'm that kind of person.

You know in news articles where they have pictures of protesters when it comes to this stuff? Things like- "GOD MADE IT NATURAL FOR A MAN AND WOMAN TO BE TOGETHER". Natural, you'll have to tell me the definition of that now. Because I'm pretty sure that 'God' also made a world of green forests and blue oceans but look at where we are now. Then theres the "GOD SAYS ITS WRONG AND THUS IT IS WRONG" crap that I hear. Didn't God also say that one should love thy neighbours? It's one of my dislikes about Christianity- its contradictory.  It's unfortunate but these protesters often use God as their reason for why they won't accept it. It's also a mjor reason why I dislike the religion and the idea of God.

But today I saw a picture with the opposing group. "Did we vote on YOUR right to marry?"

No. No we didn't, thats the thing. When you turn the tables on them, when you ask them the questions they get offended but it's perfectly FINE if they're asking someone whose considered queer or gay.

In my Social Work class we received something called a Heterosexual Questionnaire. Basically they're questions that someone who isn't straight faces quite often. When you read this, it's ridiculous and I'll admit even I never realized just who offending these questions could be until you turn it around and point the finger at the majority.

Heres a few examples:

What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
When and how did you first decide you were heterosexual?
Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase?
Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they face?
Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex?
Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

I mean really? REALLY? Right now you're probably thinking either 'damn' or uh, dude that doesn't really work it's being straight. But let me tell you something, it isn't different. If you didn't notice I put up a petition on my facebook page, it really ticked me off reading the article about that app.

Sexuality cannot be cured. A person cannot be cured of their sexuality just like I cannot cure you of being you. You cannot stop me from being Cindy, and honestly people have no right to judge others on something like this and outright hate on them for it.  It's no different from racism, sexism etc. If it makes you feel any better bigots Hitler also locked away queer people, had them labeled too. Only, the difference is to him they were treated as equal in a concentration camp as a hetero jew. Both funny and sad isn't it?

So let me ask you this question friends. If someone you loved and known for years comes out one day, will you treat them differently? Your moral reason may say no but that's not the true answer sometimes.

Now I want to get into some specifics. The funny thing is, I didn't start thinking about this until my cousin came up from LA and talked to me about things.

She has a few gay friends so she's perfectly fine with it. Says she;s also been to a few gay bars for fun. Makes sense right? Then she said that she's not comfortable with a lesbian and bisexuals scare her. Does that make ANY sense to you? To me, it makes none. A guy can say two girls together is ok, great even but when you ask him about two guys? He makes a face and says gross or something like that. No different from girls. Tons of girls are yaoi fans and enjoy boyxboy relationships in entertainment such as comics, stories, tv shows etc. Two girls? No way that's not right to them.

And to me, I never understood that. when I finally admitted that homosexual relationships were fine, I made no distinction between two guys or two girls. The weird thing is bisexuals get it worst than any of them. They scare everyone apparently. Cause you know, being attracted to both men and women make you seem so promiscuous and untrustworthy and you must had AIDs and have sex every night.

Does this sound ridiculous to anyone else? This stuff leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but I've never done anything about it. Which I am ashamed to admit. I've never spoken out about this to anyone and I've never defended my own views. It's just not in me.

But now that I think about it, people like me are really no better. What supporter am I if I'm afraid to speak up about injustice and discrimination? What right do I have to criticize others when I can't even ask a friend to stop using the gay or fag as an insult? None, I'm no better and honestly I've set myself a new goal to be better.

I'm sure those reading this can already think of a few friends who use those two words or one of the two. Hell you could probably think of a lot of people.

Heres my challenge to you. Become an Ally, not just a bystander to this. I mean if someone makes racist remark are you really going to stand for it? No, so how does this make it any different?

Also heres my question to you.

If a woman or man talks to you about their partner, do you automatically assume that person must be gay/lesbian?

Life Goes By Too Quickly

Illusion vs Reality

Just wanted to share this, it came up in my SW class today. Our topics were sexual diversity, feminism and oppression. You can guess which topic this quote is from.

"Because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect childcare we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty about abortion and...for lots of other reasons we are part of the women's liberation movement."  Author unknown, quoted in The Torch, 14 September 1987

Excuse me as I go look for CBC films on feminism now. =D

Feminism: The radical notion that women are people.

Nature vs Man

Friday 2pm local time in Japan, a 9.0 earthquake hit the prefecture of Sendai. This shallow earthquake then caused a 6-8 metre tall tsunami which destroyed everything in it's path.

Friday 1:30 AM local time Calgary. A girl studying for her exams is hit with the fact that she much rather watched in horror with live streamed news than study for her midterm the next day.

Maybe it's because I did that, that I'm more affected by what's happening in Japan. Or maybe it's because I'm just s sensitive person. But it really makes you think about what you're doing in your life right now. A life that thousands no longer have in one small country on a day which they thought was just another day.

Over ten thousand people are missing from one town alone. Corpses have washed ashore and over a million people not face the crisis of having no power or water. Yet here I am, sitting in my room typing this out while others are in search for missing family members and friends. A baby girl pulled from the wreckage three days after the Tsunami, her parents? Probably dead. A man searches for his missing wife and asks other survivors if they've seen her. A man reunited with his daughter, a woman rescued form being swept away from the waves of water.

Three explosions in nuclear plant, following aftershocks ranking around 5.0 on the scale.

This is my opinion. Right now Japan is the top priority country in need of help. This is a developed country in which people live with a high quality of life. These are people who are used to have easy access to fresh water, and living in the comfort of electricity and the comfort of homes and family. And while I know many other situations are occurring in other countries, I cannot say they can compare to a disaster of this scale.


It almost feels like, I have no reason to give charity to an organization right now whom I see pales in comparison in urgency and need. I'm sorry, that may sound quite terrible of me but thats how I see it. Perhaps its because I have always had a likeness towards the country and paid little attention to others now in turmoil such as Libya and parts of Africa. And it makes me shake my head when the next story after updates form Japan are things such as Sydney Crosbey's return to the NHL from injury. Really? Thats the next thing you want to talk about after you've just mentioned that hundreds of bodies have been washed ashore? Sigh.

Such is the world we live in.

What are my problems in comparison to others? There will always be someone who has it worse, I should have no right to complain. I'm one of the lucky ones.

Friendliness vs Temperature

Apparently I'm not "personable" over the phone. Well that can account for a lot of things.

A)I'm outside walking in windchill, freezing my face and limbs off while you're probably in some office nice and warm

Well, that was just one thing but still. Anyways I tried to be cheerful over the phone but when you cna't feel your face it's hard to do that. Although I'm fiarly monotonous anyways.

Well there goes one job down the drain, oh well. Back to studying.

Meh vs WTF

I think someone mentioned to me once that I hated someone. I don't remember anyone like that, and to be honest the closest was probably a certain man I'll call the Awkward Turtle. Although I'm more angry at him than hate.

Hate is a very strong word.

And now as I sit here I think I've found someone whose about to become hated by me.

Now I don't want to sound boasting but I don't hate people very often. I can hate ideologies, ideas, foods and such but I've never hated a person. I hate the idea of a Conservative government for example but thats a different topic. I have no wish to talk about politics right now.

One thing that keeps me from hating someone is usually because I don't know someone well enough to let myself hate them. And usually when I get to know someone fairly well I usually like them more than I dislike them. You know the good outweighing the bad. Although I have had thoughts about talking to certain people about what I dislike about them. These usually don't go very far as I value their friendship too much to cause any awkwardness.

So, usually I hold my tongue and my fist as a result.

Now I'm faced with a situation where I've talked, and been in their presence long enough that I find myself not only incredibly irritated and annoyed, but offended. I'm really starting to....I won't say hate quite yet. But I really dislike this person.

It's unfortunate because I know one of my friends once liked this person as a possible partner in a relationship once. I've discovered not only is this individual rude, offending, irritating, but doesn't seem to be able to take things seriously unless he's the one offended. He doesn't seem to have any respect for other's values, and while other usually take what he says for a grain of salt -and I do usually- it can really grates on your nerves when it happens every time you see them.

It's one of the things I really dislike about our current society. Lack of respect and sensitivity. Or perhaps I'm just too sensitive, oh well. On with my rant.

Certainly it's not true about everyone but honestly, it doesn't take too much effort to say a thank you, or to hold a door open. Honestly is it that hard to give someone some privacy and not look at their computer screen or go through texts or pictures on someone's cellphone? Especially when you barely know them? I could care less if it were people who I know very well. Honestly I'm a private person, I wallow in my own turmoil and if someone bothers my turmoil I get very irritated. Especially if it's someone who I only started talking to on a superficial level.

When life gives you lemons, you don't make lemonade. You eat it as it is because that's what lemons are, sour. They're not meant to be sweet.

Pain vs Truth

To anyone who doesn't know here is my tale.

In the year of my 8th year of school, I was in the middle of a P.E. we were doing wrestling and were partnering up. when with a knock the school's student councillor came in and asked for me. Confused I went and followed her up to her office on the second floor. There I sat in her office confused and anxious.

"Shit this is about math isn't it.

Was the only thing running through my head.

"So Cindy, do you know why I asked to see you?" she asked peering at me over her spectacles. (Her name escapes me at the moment)

"Umm, math?" I replied with great uncertainty. After all my math mark was terrible and the thought that it was that bad that Mrs. D actually called the councillor in had my guts in knots. My parents were gonna kill me.

"No, no if it's academics the Resource Centre deals with it." the councillor replied. "Do you have any idea who might ask me to see you?" she asked.

My mind buzzed with thought and only one person came up. Very sweet, very quiet Mrs.V both my French and English teacher. So I answered and she nodded.

"Yes, Mrs. V asked me to see you." she turned opened one of those metal drawers and pulled out a folder. Confused I watched as she retrieved some papers. She pushed up her reading glasses and began to read. Soon as she did I knew what the hell was wrong.

See, my English teacher. Mrs. V was a very artistic and literature loving woman. And she had us write poems often. Well I wrote them and submitted them in and you know what?

"Oh my god she thinks I'm being abused."

 I don't have the poem on me anymore, but I remember it was called Scars of Pain. Yeah I was a very depressed child, anyways. Here's what I do remember distinctly.

"full of rage- Rage. That's a very strong word." she said and peered at me, I couldn't read her face so I sat there wanting to laugh it off and reassure her it was all a very bad misunderstanding. "Tell me Cindy was there any reason why you used this word?" she asked.

"Umm, no not really. It seemed better than using angry..." I said. What was I supposed to say? It's called variety woman! A thesaurus you know! Expansive vocabulary.

She nodded wordlessly and finished the poem that I, by then regretted writing very much. All I had wanted was a good mark, but all I got was this.

So as she questioned me about various parts of my emo poem I thought back on our very recent report card marks. In the folder had been a particular green sheet of paper outlining parents about child abuse and what counted as abuse. I remember reading it and throwing it away before my parents could get a look at it and ask what it was.

So that's why that was in there

Anyways, fifteen minutes later I had reassured the woman I was not in anyway being physically or emotionally abused, nor was anyone in my family. I returned to class to find I was partnered with a boy and was forced to play king of mat vs him, ending up getting bruised by having one hell of a time winning. Hah.

Why did I tell you this story? Why because I wrote that poem in a set of three and see, I found one of them. And so here is my very emo, and very badly written poem from oh 5-6 years ago.

Freedom
by Cindy Wong

My life was empty,
Filled with nothingness,
And torment

But then you appeared,
And saved me...
Ending my tears

I cherished our times together,
Both good and bad,
I lost my tears because if your smile

The smile filled,
With love, kindness
And affection

You did not mind,
My mistakes or even
The ugly scars that I held
I am truly happy finally

And I have,
Only you to thank,
For loving, caring and freeing me from,
The darkness of my own pain

HOLY CRAP is that a load of well, crap. Yeah it was horrible and I cringed as I retyped it out. Never let a 13-14 year old girl free verse poetry in under five minutes things get ugly.

So yeah, that was actually much cheerier than the other two poems which I remember talked about parents fighting and killing each other and a child being left to wallow in a suicidal black hole.

So laugh, cringe and thank those teachers with me. It's people like them who worry for their students (even if false cases) that abuse gets stopped, that children are helped. We may laugh about this but the thing is, this stuff really happens and more than often the teachers are right in their paranoia.

Not only is it our moral responsibility but our legal one to report to the authorities if one witnesses or knows of any type of abuse. Even if you suspect it. It is illegal to stand by and do nothing. Thank you.

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btw, my current project for school is a presentation on child abuse. Hah.

The Land vs The People

I had a dream. A group of travellers were in native territory and as they were crossing a river, one of the natives rose from the waters. He was as large as a half giant and was furious. He tossed the jeep over and killed the men inside in his fury.

Then suddenly I was in someone and I was shaking another man angrily.

“You're corrupting the land!”

“What?” he asked in confusion.

I turned him and there in the distant was a factory spewing out black smoke, the land was dug up by machines and the earth was brown without plant life.

“Toxins in the air, the land turned to waste and these machines-!”

Then all I remember is seeing him running with me chasing him. I stop and begin shouting at him.

“All this is fuelled by your greed! Because all you do is Want! All you do is Want!”

Then I turn to the campsite of the survivors and begin snarling in their faces, I stamp on their luggage as they hurry to pack and flee. The man form earlier returns and attempts to get an interview with them and tries to coerce them into bringing this to court. But I snarl and they rebuff the man.

I see the native who had killed and attacked these men and he has a cold and serious expression. Behind him his tribe watching, elderly and children.

All I can feel is anger.

And I knew helplessly the world was going to hell.

----

Man, I knew I was into the environent but clearly my unconscious is telling me I'm really into the environment. Either that or I apparently hate jeep driving white men.

And apparently in my mind angry aboriginals can grow to teh size of a large house.

Anyways, I've been to two Social work classes and wow. I learned a lot in the first class about what social work really was and well. Wow. I had no idea how much social workers did or even why or how. A job driven on personal values and social justice, if things turn out well I think I really will go into Social Work.

Waiting for the day to come. Whether it is happiness or sorrow is the surprise.

Meeting with the Past

Met Tony on the bus today going home. Talked about uni and high school, damn kids only have their exams now of all times. Anyways, tqlked to him about uni choices seems he wants to go into medicine pretty badly. Poor midguided Asian boy lol.

Anyways, also talked about choir and as I quote him. "We suck as a choir and the class sucks now that you guys all left."

Well it's an inaccurate quote at best. haha, nice to know we're missed.

Sleep now.

Sometimes I just wish time would stop. The future holds nothing but fear, the past nostalgic sadness and the present an anxious disappointment. 

Time vs Reality

It's January 9th 2011, I'm sorry to say my first post of the new year is so late. Anyways, I arrived back in Calgary on January 2nd and let's just say I've had a lot of fun getting back to Canada time. Yep, a lot of owl nights, no sleep and general awakeness and blacking out.

So I'll go over a bit of my vacation since I have little to say. After a long 13-14 hour flight with an hour delay in Vancouver we arrived in Hong Kong only to take the ferry over to Macau. There we were picked up by my mom's childhood friend Ping-yee or auntie Ping if you want in English. We stayed in the Holiday Inn since we were only gonna be there for three days. The Inn was actually pretty nice there in Macau.

We went into a few casinos, saw scantily clad women dance around, ate far too much food and I got to hang out with my brother's girlfriend Evelyn, who I found out is really nice and a great person. So anyways, I love food there in southern China. I love it soooo much. And the great thing is lots of good food plus lots of walking and shopping equals no weight gain.

We headed over to Hong Kong where we got to eat on our terms. We stayed in the very fancy and very new Crown Plaza in Causeway Bay or Tong-loh wan (?). Super nice hotel, free wireless Internet great rooms but one bed. Since there were six people and two rooms we shared. the first night all three of us were in the bed, we fit but OMG the blankets must have been down or something. I was sleeping in the middle and it was like a sauna with clothes on. I literally had to crawl out of the bed without waking my mom and Evelyn up to get air and ot cool off. After that I slept on the floor with the blanket as my mattress, pillows around me and a bathrobe as my blanket XD

It was great, really. Seriously.

While I was in Hong Kong I discovered a few things. A, I could live on fan hup. Or uh rice boxes in English. You know its take out, a take out box filled with white rice, some osya sauce and then your choice of meat on top. I love the BBQ pork there, or I prefer cha siu.

We walked around 4-6 hours everyday so with sore feet and a lot of browsing I didn't buy all that much actually. My mother went crazy buying stuff simply cause it was cheap. Sigh, so asian. Myself, I got two bags, two jeans, a pair of new sneakers, lots of candy, a new DS lite and a camera shaped memory stick.

We were intending to go see the Big Buddha in Hong Kong but well, no one really wanted to go so we stayed in the hotel and shopped. Be proud my readers, I went to the gym. But that was really only because after Macau I felt fat and both my brothers and Evelyn went. It was either that or swim, and we all know how well THAT would go over with me.

Insert flailing, screaming and much suffering here.

So I have to say the most memorable thing in HK was the cha siu fan. Yep, that and my new DS very happy about that. It's silver!! OH and my new toy wild pig. It's soo cute, I'll get a picture.

So now here I am waiting for the new semester to start. Sigh. I get the feeling it won't be much better than the last. And I'll post up pictures soon as I get off my lazy ass.

As much as you wish, as much as you desire it. The world continues to turn and time continues to run it's course. Reality stops for no one, but you don't have to stop for it either.